vices

I have a lot of vices, most frequent being smoking. But also alcohol and drugs on occasion. People tell me to quit sometimes, and I try, but it's not that simple. It's a part of my condition. To tell me to quit smoking, or drinking, for instance, is to tell me to quit being disabled, or to quit being poor. Once I conclude this, I hear a lot of sanctimony about self pity. The hypocrisy of this is lost on my people.

I currently have four disabilities, and I'm scheduled to have an X-ray for number five. My bad habits are literally outnumbered by disabilities. If you want to talk about self pity, then let's discuss the response people get when I explain the circumstances in which I can drop every single chemical stimulant overnight without a second thought.

If disabled people were allowed to participate in a society that doesn't actively exclude them with a social, legal and economic system specifically geared to keep them at an arm's length. I don't smoke or drink because I like it. I do it because it regulates my stimulus to a reality that hates me. Because the idea of losing a couple of years on your life isn't all that deterring when that life in itself is barely worth living. How, when able people got to graduate and grow up, I was locked inside a small room by an abusive parent for seven years. Those seven years were spent adapting to the infinite complexities of day to day social life in a gradual manner.

I, on the other hand, was basically forced out at the age of 18, without any of these advantages what so ever. For three years I locked myself indoors because I had absolutely no idea how to speak to people, or see things, or understand everything. I had to survive not just with absolutely nothing, but rather with absolutely nothing but a massive disadvantage.

Yet, in spite of this, I manage to rent an apartment. I manage to get married. I even manage to figure out how to talk to people. I had to spend three painful years of sometimes going for weeks without food, and watching my wife's health decline since she's also disabled. More so than I am. I've had to claw my way out of abuse, neglect, marginalisation and horrors you couldn't even imagine.

And my reward for this hard work was absolutely nothing. I'm still in poverty, I still am removed from the world around me, I'm still trapped in depression and anxiety, and I'm still held back by my disabilities. In spite of having to do things to survive that most people would be afraid to even consider. I had to break the law, I had to lie, I had to cheat and swindle, I had to behave like an animal at times. And while I can finally keep a roof over my head without that, reality of the matter is that I still don't live.

And so part of me wants to die. I spend a lot of time debating suicidal thoughts. At first they shocked me but now it's like having the TV on in the background. So I compromise, and that's where addiction becomes such a great method to reconcile this crisis.

I use the term addiction very generously since I honestly don't believe in addictions. I mean, do I believe you can get physical withdrawal symptoms? Sure I do. But people endure broken legs, they endure food poisonings and surgeries. People endure all kinds of physical strain sometimes for several months on end, and they overcome it because they get help.

We call it addiction because it's inescapable, but it's inescapable because the poor, the disabled and the marginalised won't receive the help that normal* people take for granted.

But the worst part of it is how normal* people are also a bunch of ingrates. They don't understand what marginalised groups do for them. How their entire life is a product of our suffering. Because without marginalisation, without constantly devaluing people and herding them off into ghettos. Without scapegoats, social division, class gaps and bigotry there wouldn't be any ample surplus for the normal* people to help themselves to. There wouldn't be justification to allow this moral nature. There wouldn't be fear amongst the oppressed to forego this moral nature. There wouldn't be a myriad of human atrocities throughout history, each one dotting another milestone of economic growth.

The holocaust was the perfect machination of normality*. A societal device that plucked and pruned the human population of every trace of distinction. That gave way to modernised industrialised slavery. That provided a full surplus fit for the normal* sense of entitlement. A concentration camp wasn't what the liberal myth pertains it to be. It wasn't built on hate, or totalitarianism, it wasn't merely a spectacle for the deranged. It was a mode of industry. That's why they only gassed the women and the children. Their worth to the normals* was in the negative, so they had to be removed. It was only budgetary. But the men, stereotyped as strong and productive, they were given a purpose. They were forced to work themselves to death with a minimal amount of sustenance.

A formula constantly streamlined to assure the true purpose of the holocaust: To turn people into money. Simple as that. So that the normal* people in Germany could enjoy the many privileges of metropolitan life. It's Soylent Green. All of it.

And capitalism is simply a polarisation between holocaust economics and ghetto economics. The closer we move to ghettos, the more "progressive" a society is, and the closer we move to the holocaust, the more "conservative" a society is. But they both serve the exact same purpose. One just does it with a bit more industrialisation, and the other with a bit more socialisation.

And that's where I am. I'm disabled. I'm unfit for work. So they're sending me off to the gas chambers. Only, since we have progressive gas chambers, it's called poverty now. A reality so unbearably painful that it demands the rational human to self destruct.

So just remember that, normals*, remember what parasites you are. Remember how these vices are a reflection of your gluttony and unearned gains. How it is a mirror into your contributions to the world. Remember that as I stumble and laugh into an open grave. Remember the theatre of your cannibalism.

*The arbitrary social archetype currently valued by bourgeois morality.